she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
