I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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