you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need to sanitize my soul.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
