Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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