if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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