Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Bring me that man meat
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara