i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me