The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have so many feelings about this burrito
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap