My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
