halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
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Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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