u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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