Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
