Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
