Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
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I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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