If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
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We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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