new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
