can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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