How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
