the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
