You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
