From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
