what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
