look no pants
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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