I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
