I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
