Apparently you make a good broom.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
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Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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