I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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