If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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