if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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