btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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