At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
