Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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