Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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