my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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