if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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