I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
