I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
