Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
