I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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