did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
