Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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