is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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