she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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