i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
