if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
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why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?