so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
