Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
ttyl tear gas
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.