my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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