The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
