can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
