That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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