I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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