every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
