i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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