How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
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Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Terrible idea I love it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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