Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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