I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
