The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
