she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
